The Vagina Epilogue

Jan 17th-18th

Since Josh's and my Thai Visa were about to expire, we thought it would be a good time to head to Cambodia, Thailand's neighbor to the east.

Since getting there in a day would require a very early morning wake-up call, we decided to sleep in and spend one last day in Bangkok.

Our final day was rather low-key: the most eventful moment was when we went to get a haircut.

Silom, where we stayed in Bangkok, is home to Patpong, known for its famous night market, selling everything from counterfeit DVDs to dildos.

It is also the original home to Bangkok's most unique and arguably most depraved sideshow: the Ping Pong show.

 (Photo Credit: www.bridgeandtunnelclub.com)

Josh and I had been to Bangkok on 3 separate occasions and never succumbed to the temptation or curiosity to watch this genital circus.

After too many beers, we had decided that we weren't willing to face the criticism of our guy friends for being in Bangkok for so long and never going to see a ping pong show.

It was now or never. We chose now.

Later that night, Josh chatted with a tout to establish if his offer was legit or a well-executed scam. He told us a reasonable price but said it was free to look.

We walked up the stairs and were relieved to see 15-or-so people, some of them white women, sitting around the bar, making us feel less like sleaze balls.

Although we only stayed for 30-45 minutes of vag-ymnastics, we still saw the ladies do seemingly impossible feats like pulling an endless string of garland out of her, reminiscent of a magician pulling handkerchiefs out of someone's ear; and shooting a dart out of a blow-gun, hitting a balloon across the room with pinpoint accuracy.

At one point, she lubed up 5-6 ping pong balls, inserted them, and then shot them at Josh who had been given a paddle. It will come as no surprise that he deliberately and instinctively deflected them to hit me.

We also got into a bidding war with 2 Irish girls as to who would tip the most to avoid being sprayed by a vagina-opened 'capped' bottle of soda water.

Josh and I couldn't keep up with the wager and could no longer afford to not get sprayed: we would be needing that money to pay for our laundry after!

The final trick we stayed for was when one of the ladies inserted a sharpie pen, knelt down, and wrote Josh the message: Welcome to Bangkok 2013, after a night of generous tipping. He even tipped more to take a picture of her holding the sign. Sadly this picture has been lost. It is extremely pathetic when a woman is able to have better penmanship with her genitals than two grown men combined!

After having experienced a ping pong show firsthand, I can honestly say that while very bizarre, it was still pretty entertaining and quite impressive.

I also hope that the laughing, smiles and joking around by the women on stage was genuine and that they weren't being forced or drugged into this unique Bangkok profession.

Now, after almost 2 months, it was already time to leave Thailand.

Josh and I caught an early morning train to Aranya Prathet, a city bordering Cambodia.

Of course, to enhance our already uncomfortable journey, a smelly homeless man sat across from us for most of the ride. He wouldn't stop yelling, laughing and continually dropping papers on the ground until he was finally kicked off the train by some railway officers.

Once in Aranya Prathet, despite attempts to get us to buy Visas at third party operators, we instead walked through customs and bought them at the border.

Another short walk brought us to Poipet, Cambodia's border town, with its shady casinos and mafia-run transportation system.

We had to wait around an hour to catch a bus headed to our first stop, Battambang; Cambodia's second city.

Although directly attached to Thailand, Cambodia looked like another world with its half-finished roads, huge dust clouds and noticeably destitute countryside. After a 4-hour bus-ride, we finally arrived in Battambang, feeling a million miles away from our metropolitan starting point of Bangkok, just a mere 11 hours away by slow public transport.

Thailand had been a world apart from China: with it's refreshingly heterogeneous population, English proficiency, extremely well-developed foreign tourist industry and its jaw-dropping beaches.

What it lacked in culture was more than made up for with parties, good friends and some sublime R&R.

To be honest, I don't think I would have liked Thailand as much if it weren't for the visits of Bryan, Rich and especially the magical one-month foray with Amina!

The Hardest Goodbye

Jan 15th-16th

After contemplating the logistics on getting back to Bangkok for Amina's departure; we decided to take an AirAsia flight from Krabi to maximize our time.

Once back in Bangkok, we headed to Sunflower Place in Silom. Rather than the elation usually associated with being in this city, there was a sombre mood since these were Amina's last days with me.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

Josh, who had been in Bangkok for a few days since Yemina's departure, met up with us for dinner and one last night on Khao San road.

 

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

All the usual suspects were there: Kumar and company, the disgruntled flower girl, the shisha, the buckets, and the thousands of tourists.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

It was hard to believe that it had been almost 2 months since I had first stepped foot into this city after having left China.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

Time flies.

The following day we went back to MBK centre to have lunch at their glorious food court, but even that didn't taste as good as the last time.

The dreaded day went by in the blink of an eye and it was already time for Amina to catch her flight.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi) 

We took the skytrain and airport express to reach Suvarnabhumi International airport.

It was an unbelievably hard goodbye to put it lightly, both of us unsure of when we'll be able to see each other again.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

Goodbye Sweetie.

Some Nice Beaches at Last!

Jan 8th-14th

Glad to escape the massive toilet bowl that was Koh Phi Phi, Amina and I took a ferry to Koh Lanta, a mere hour-and-a-half away.

We caught a tuk tuk who escorted us to several accommodations until we found one that had space available.

Our accommodation, Green Garden Resort, was located on Hat Khlong Khong, which is a beautiful white-sand stretch of beach . Unfortunately, the amount of rocks extending in either direction and in the water made it a more pleasant place to tan rather than swim.

To remedy this, we headed to Hat Klong Dao the following day. Hat Klong Dao is a beautiful 2-km stretch of rockless, white-sand beach with a few low-key restaurants and bars. Believe it or not, but I had the best Pad Thai in all of Thailand at a restaurant that doubles as a minimart. Go figure.

The next day, Amina put great faith in me when we rented a scooter to access a beach further south on the island. The roads were quite barren and the terrain quite flat, so our lives were not in any immediate danger.

We arrived at Hat Khlong Nin, a serene, white-sand beach with perfect waves for swimming. We plopped ourselves down in some lounge chairs and enjoyed the peaceful serenity which was in stark contrast to the rowdy, dirty beaches of Koh Phi Phi.

To continue the beach vibe, we took a ferry to Railay beach, the same place as our New Years Eve bash. We took the early ferry to make sure we found accommodations because once again we didn't book in advance. We managed to find a nice pool-side bungalow on Railay's east coast and we would stay there for four nights.

The last time we were there, it was already after dark so we had no idea what Railay actually looked like. If I had known, I probably would have never left.

Everything you imagine when you think of a Thai beach, Railay has it. Crystal blue waters, white and gold sand, breathtaking limestone cliffs, cigar boats and even resident monkeys; you name it, Railay has it.

While still quite touristy, Railay keeps a low-key, relaxed feel. While there are developments springing up around the cliff-shielded peninsula, it is done in a tasteful way that doesn't compromise the natural beauty that Railay is loved for.

Railay is also renown for its world-class rock climbing, due to the fantastic cliffs flanking its beaches, attracting rock-climbers from all ends of the earth.

On our first day, we went to the surreal Hat Phra Nang and lounged around on its golden sands and turquoise waters.

It was also fun to watch the monkeys play and steal unsuspecting peoples' food.

The following day we headed to Hat Railay west. Although this beach acts as the drop-off spot for most boats, it is still clean enough and big enough to accommodate many beach-goers and swimmers.

As the afternoon was approaching, we went back to Hat Phra Nang to take in one of the beautiful sunsets and admire this beach's majestic cliffs during the golden hour.

The following day, we decided to be more active and would try an afternoon of rock-climbing after a morning on Railay's west coast.

We decided to go with Railay Rock Climbing Shop, whose staff were really friendly and had a solid reputation.

Our guide, Nut, led Amina, myself and Cynthia, a Taiwanese-American girl, to the beginner spots on the southern end of Railay's east side.

Nut, put up the lead line after teaching me to belay for him.

After the top-line was secure, the three of us took turns ascending the rock-face.

As the afternoon progressed, so did the degree of difficulty and height of the climbs.

I was really impressed with the girls' climbing ability. While I relied purely on upper-body strength, they seemed to utilize more skill and technique.

Amina, with her non-existent arm strength, really showed some incredible determination on her climbs, especially the last one.

It was really great to do this activity together considering she didn't even want to do it when we were talking about it initially.

I really enjoyed rock-climbing: It's goal-oriented, easy to gauge progress and incredibly rewarding to make it to the top of a climb. Not to mention an amazing total-body workout!

My only complaint is that I'm not flexible enough and would like to learn to utilize my legs more.

Things to work on.

Once we finished our climbs, we put away our gear and grabbed a tall beer to admire the sunset on Railay's west coast.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

While on Railay, we ended up spending all our evenings out at Last Bar, the same place we went for new years. The good vibe, shisha, and nightly fire shows made it the place to be.

 

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

On our final day in Railay, we spent the day on the west coast beach and before sunset I made my way to the surprisingly hard-to-get-to lookout point, giving fantastic views over this magical peninsula.

From there I attempted to get to Sa Phra Nang, which is a secret lagoon, but the steepness of the path and the setting sun made it too dangerous to attempt alone.

My sickness on Koh Phi Phi notwithstanding, I was still nonetheless disappointed with its level of development and degrading natural beauty. However, Koh Lanta and Railay re-instilled a sense of excitement and appreciation towards the beauty that Thai beaches can still possess.

Just thank God that we had found them!

Escape From Poo Poo Island

Jan 2nd-7th

We spent New Years day lounging at the Holiday Inn's pool and by the day's end I thought I may have gotten a mild case of heat stroke. By the time Amina, Josh, Yemina and I finished dinner, I had a mild fever and generally didn't feel very well.

The next day my fever was still there and I thought I could just wait it out. Amina and I were parting ways with Yemina and Josh, who would be staying in Krabi, while we were going to some of the Andaman Sea's idyllic islands.

Our first stop was Koh Phi Phi whose claim to fame stems from its appearance in Leonardo Dicaprio's 1999 film "The Beach".

Although it was badly damaged in 2004's deadly tsunami, it still retains most of its original, unparalleled beauty. This beauty combined with worldwide exposure from the film has led Koh Phi Phi to become one of the Andaman coast's biggest party islands.

Unfortunately, like anyone who parties excessively, eventually it starts to catch up to them. Koh Phi Phi is a small island, but it now houses innumerable guesthouses, hotels, restaurants and bars; along with thousands of people, making it feel rather congested and overrun.

Amina and I managed to find a private room at Harmony House despite accommodations being absolutely impossible to find online.

We dropped off our stuff and checked out the nearest beach, Ao Lo Dalam. While pretty crowded, the beach was still quite nice and not too dirty. The water, however, seemed to have some sort of shit-like sediment in it that made it less than inviting. Wait, this will be a common theme.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

The next day we hung out at the beach during the day and checked out a hilarious bar that gives free buckets to westerners who fight each other in a Muay Thai ring. Most of the participants are drunk Brits or Australians, and it seemed that some guys actually knew what they were doing and ended up injuring their opponents to the delight of those watching in the crowd. Hey, at least the loser still gets a bucket! (Even if they're already 2 for 1!)

The next day I had signed up to go diving with Hippo Divers (http://www.hippodivers-phiphi.com) and would do two dives around Koh Phi Phi Leh, home to the bay that Leo made famous.

In fact, during the day's diving we stopped there for lunch. There were so many tourist boats on the small strip of sand that I struggled to even see it until one of the dive masters pointed it out to me.

Koh Phi Phi Leh is known for its leopard and reef sharks, but of course they didn't show up during my dives! At least I saw three big turtles on my second dive.

The fever that I had when I arrived on Koh Phi Phi had never really subsided. In fact, on my dive trip (luckily not when I was actually diving), my stomach also started acting up. By the next day I was pretty much confined to the room and more specifically the ensuite bathroom.

At a certain point I realized that this wasn't just food poisoning and I went to go see a doctor. He said I either had an intestinal infection or malaria. For once I was hoping for an intestinal infection!

I had to go see him a few days later because it wasn't improving and my fever was still quite high, but fortunately the antibiotics started to kick in after 3 days.

During all this, Amina was being an absolute saint: getting me food, keeping me hydrated and being more attentive than I deserved.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

Despite my explosive bowels, we still managed to meet up with Remi and Elena who were staying on Hat Yao beach and see them off before they headed back to Bangkok for their flight home.

We had only initially intended on staying on Koh Phi Phi for three nights, but ended up staying six because of my incapacitated state.

On our final day, I finally had enough strength and sphincter control to go to Koh Phi Phi's gorgeous viewpoint.

It had been my goal since our arrival on the island and it was well worth it.

Although the climb was rather short, it was still quite strenuous.

Once on top we were treated to a stunning view of Koh Phi Phi Don and its two bays; tree-covered hills and jagged karst peaks.

A nice finale to my shitty week on Koh poo poo, and we couldn't have been happier to get the hell out of there!

A Holiday Season to Remember Part II: Full Moons and Soaking Bottoms

Dec 27th-Jan 1st

We had an AirAsia flight to catch at 6:50 am and had to be at the airport two hours earlier. I took it upon myself to pull an all-nighter and wake everyone up. Despite the fact that Josh overslept his alarm as usual, the four of us still made our flight to Nakhon Si Thammarat. From there we had a shuttle bus which brought us to the Donsak ferry terminal headed for Koh Pha Ngan.

As opposed to our first Full Moon Party, we decided to stay in Thong Sala rather than the cesspool which was Haad Rin.

Thong Sala is the main town on Koh Pha Ngan and ideally located between Haad Rin and the beautiful north-western beaches.

We finally arrived in Thong Sala as the sun was beginning to set. It was just a short walk until we reached our wonderful French-run guesthouse called 4U (www.4uthailand.com).

We decided to take it easy that night considering the calamity which would be unfolding the following night.

Many people came to Haad Rin for a Christmas to New Years binge and this Full Moon Party would mark the halfway point of this annual, weeklong shit-show.

Prior to the party, the four of us headed to Haad Yao beach for some calm before the impending storm.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

Haad Yao was just as relaxing as the time I visited it with Bryan and Rich albeit with more people.

After a day in the sun, we started mentally preparing for that night's bash. Josh and I still had our singlets from the previous Full Moon Party and we advised Amina and Yemina to wear something they wouldn't mind getting dirty.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi) 

We then took a tuk tuk towards Haad Rin and before long it was blatantly apparent how many more people were at this party than the last.

We headed to Om Ganesh hostel to use some of their body paint, but it had already been used up. We bought a consolatory bucket and made our way to sunrise beach.

The constant flow of bros and bimbos was staggering. The four of us stayed close because there were thousands of people even on the streets leading up to the infamous beach.

We had to snake our way through thousands of people gathered around Cactus Bar (the bar we went to during the last Full Moon Party and where the two Thais killed each other), before getting a good view of the actual beach.

If I estimated the last Full Moon Party to host 15 thousand party-goers, this one had triple that number at the very least. Thankfully there were still pockets of less-occupied beach where we could express our joy through the art of dance.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

We spent the rest of the night sharing buckets and dancing the night away.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

The following day, Amina and I went to enjoy a relaxing day at Hat Salad. While this might sound like a bizarre culinary concoction, it is actually one of the nicest beaches on the west coast and is just another 15-minutes north of Haad Yao.

It was fantastic to spend the day together on such a pretty, serene beach.

Pure bliss.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

We now had just a few days before New Years eve and needed to make our way to Krabi, where we would be ringing in the new year.

The four of us took a ferry to Surat Thani and then a bus to Krabi Town. We then got a minibus to Ao Nang, the area of Krabi we would be staying in.

Amina's dad had been so kind as to book her 3 nights at the Holiday Inn as a birthday gift and I got to tag along!

Ao Nang is a reasonably well-established beach-town west of Krabi Town. It comprises mostly mid-range to higher-end hotels and guesthouses and as a consequence lacks the backpacker vibe that we had felt in Koh Pha-Ngan.

Even the beach itself, while nice, was far from anything special and as a consequence, we just hung out by the Holiday Inn's pool.

New Years Eve was now upon us and we wanted to party it up in style. We decided to head to nearby Railey Beach for the evening's festivities.

I donned my best shirt and jeans and Amina wore a lovely dress. When we met up with Josh and Yemina. Josh was wearing shorts and a t-shirt but felt underdressed so he went back to change into jeans.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

Railey is only accessible by boat from Ao Nang. Because of the full moon, the tidal changes were ridiculous and we would have to walk out quite far to reach a waiting boat.

The ground seemed relatively solid, so we started walking out to the boat. A few steps in, my shoe sunk into a soft spot and was now caked in mud. I took off my shoes and rolled up my jeans hoping that the worst was over.

As we neared the boat, the water was deeper and deeper, already above our rolled-up jeans. By the time we were next to the boat, the waves were coming in so high that I had to lift my shirt up so it would avoid being soaked. Good thing Josh changed into jeans!

Amina was struggling to get up the ladder of the boat and I was furious that my jeans and underwear were completely soaked along with my shoes caked in mud, so rather than helping her, I yelled for her to hurry up.

I climbed onto the boat and was absolutely livid that I was beyond soaked even before we started our night!

This would be a long one.

When we arrived at Railey Beach, I had taken off my clothes (except for my underwear) to prevent it from getting any wetter than it already was.

There was a New Years party charging almost 300$ per head going on and I walked right through it wearing nothing but my boxers to the bewilderment of the party's guests and the amusement of Amina and Yemina.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

Josh and I found a shop selling some loose fitting pants and some flip-flops, and we bought pretty much whatever fit.

The nice woman at the front desk let us put our shoes and soaking clothes behind her desk.

Now that I had dry clothes I could finally relax, decrease my fury and start enjoying my night.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

We had a simple dinner and the coffee made by Pinu, a man gifted in the art of barista, but cursed with the laugh of a high-pitched hyena. We then went to Last Bar on Railey's east coast, our venue for the countdown.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

Last Bar had everything we could have asked for for a New Years party: good music, a dance floor, affordable drinks, fire shows, pool tables and shisha.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

Despite the wet beginnings, we all had a fantastic time.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

On our boat ride back to Ao Nang, not only did we not get wet but we were all glad that Josh had not opted to go commando like I did because by the end of the night, his brand new pants were crotch-less.

Definitely a New Years the four of us won't soon forget!