The Vagina Epilogue

Jan 17th-18th

Since Josh's and my Thai Visa were about to expire, we thought it would be a good time to head to Cambodia, Thailand's neighbor to the east.

Since getting there in a day would require a very early morning wake-up call, we decided to sleep in and spend one last day in Bangkok.

Our final day was rather low-key: the most eventful moment was when we went to get a haircut.

Silom, where we stayed in Bangkok, is home to Patpong, known for its famous night market, selling everything from counterfeit DVDs to dildos.

It is also the original home to Bangkok's most unique and arguably most depraved sideshow: the Ping Pong show.

 (Photo Credit: www.bridgeandtunnelclub.com)

Josh and I had been to Bangkok on 3 separate occasions and never succumbed to the temptation or curiosity to watch this genital circus.

After too many beers, we had decided that we weren't willing to face the criticism of our guy friends for being in Bangkok for so long and never going to see a ping pong show.

It was now or never. We chose now.

Later that night, Josh chatted with a tout to establish if his offer was legit or a well-executed scam. He told us a reasonable price but said it was free to look.

We walked up the stairs and were relieved to see 15-or-so people, some of them white women, sitting around the bar, making us feel less like sleaze balls.

Although we only stayed for 30-45 minutes of vag-ymnastics, we still saw the ladies do seemingly impossible feats like pulling an endless string of garland out of her, reminiscent of a magician pulling handkerchiefs out of someone's ear; and shooting a dart out of a blow-gun, hitting a balloon across the room with pinpoint accuracy.

At one point, she lubed up 5-6 ping pong balls, inserted them, and then shot them at Josh who had been given a paddle. It will come as no surprise that he deliberately and instinctively deflected them to hit me.

We also got into a bidding war with 2 Irish girls as to who would tip the most to avoid being sprayed by a vagina-opened 'capped' bottle of soda water.

Josh and I couldn't keep up with the wager and could no longer afford to not get sprayed: we would be needing that money to pay for our laundry after!

The final trick we stayed for was when one of the ladies inserted a sharpie pen, knelt down, and wrote Josh the message: Welcome to Bangkok 2013, after a night of generous tipping. He even tipped more to take a picture of her holding the sign. Sadly this picture has been lost. It is extremely pathetic when a woman is able to have better penmanship with her genitals than two grown men combined!

After having experienced a ping pong show firsthand, I can honestly say that while very bizarre, it was still pretty entertaining and quite impressive.

I also hope that the laughing, smiles and joking around by the women on stage was genuine and that they weren't being forced or drugged into this unique Bangkok profession.

Now, after almost 2 months, it was already time to leave Thailand.

Josh and I caught an early morning train to Aranya Prathet, a city bordering Cambodia.

Of course, to enhance our already uncomfortable journey, a smelly homeless man sat across from us for most of the ride. He wouldn't stop yelling, laughing and continually dropping papers on the ground until he was finally kicked off the train by some railway officers.

Once in Aranya Prathet, despite attempts to get us to buy Visas at third party operators, we instead walked through customs and bought them at the border.

Another short walk brought us to Poipet, Cambodia's border town, with its shady casinos and mafia-run transportation system.

We had to wait around an hour to catch a bus headed to our first stop, Battambang; Cambodia's second city.

Although directly attached to Thailand, Cambodia looked like another world with its half-finished roads, huge dust clouds and noticeably destitute countryside. After a 4-hour bus-ride, we finally arrived in Battambang, feeling a million miles away from our metropolitan starting point of Bangkok, just a mere 11 hours away by slow public transport.

Thailand had been a world apart from China: with it's refreshingly heterogeneous population, English proficiency, extremely well-developed foreign tourist industry and its jaw-dropping beaches.

What it lacked in culture was more than made up for with parties, good friends and some sublime R&R.

To be honest, I don't think I would have liked Thailand as much if it weren't for the visits of Bryan, Rich and especially the magical one-month foray with Amina!

The Hardest Goodbye

Jan 15th-16th

After contemplating the logistics on getting back to Bangkok for Amina's departure; we decided to take an AirAsia flight from Krabi to maximize our time.

Once back in Bangkok, we headed to Sunflower Place in Silom. Rather than the elation usually associated with being in this city, there was a sombre mood since these were Amina's last days with me.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

Josh, who had been in Bangkok for a few days since Yemina's departure, met up with us for dinner and one last night on Khao San road.

 

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

All the usual suspects were there: Kumar and company, the disgruntled flower girl, the shisha, the buckets, and the thousands of tourists.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

It was hard to believe that it had been almost 2 months since I had first stepped foot into this city after having left China.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

Time flies.

The following day we went back to MBK centre to have lunch at their glorious food court, but even that didn't taste as good as the last time.

The dreaded day went by in the blink of an eye and it was already time for Amina to catch her flight.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi) 

We took the skytrain and airport express to reach Suvarnabhumi International airport.

It was an unbelievably hard goodbye to put it lightly, both of us unsure of when we'll be able to see each other again.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

Goodbye Sweetie.

A Holiday Season to Remember Part I: All the Creatures were Stirring,Except a Mouse

Dec 24th-26th

Amina and my 15-hour train to Chiang Mai was an exercise in self control and endurance. The incredibly bumpy ride and noises emanating through the open windows all night long made the eve of Amina's birthday one she will surely not forget. I, on the other hand, took some sleeping pills and was unconscious and oblivious to her horrible night, and to most of the turbulence on that rickety train.

Elena and Remi had flown to Chiang Mai, so they arrived before us and had arranged a trip to Tiger Kingdom.

Tiger Kingdom is one of Chiang Mai's biggest draws: part sanctuary, zoo and conservation effort all in one. Their main goal is to expose people to tigers and to preserve their dwindling global numbers.

Upon our hour-late arrival, the four of us took a tuk tuk to Tiger Kingdom and enjoyed watching some hilarious Asian tourists trying to stand inside plastic orbs floating on a small pond.

Once our group number was called, we went into the tiger enclosure and followed an usher to the adult tigers.

Entrance is free, but to enter the various enclosures it costs a fee depending on which age group you visit. We had bought a ticket to see the big and small tigers, deciding to skip the cubs because they were only slightly smaller than the ones we would visit.

Like most adult cats, tigers are incredibly lazy and lethargic. They were docile enough that you could approach them from behind and pet them, lie on them and take some great photos with them.

The tigers who seemed more agitated or uninterested in having people touch or lie on them, were left alone to the benefit and lives of the visitors.

Many people often say that these tiger parks are rife with mistreatment of the animals and that they drug them into domestication.

While this could be true at other animal sanctuaries and tiger parks, I felt that due to the playfulness of the young tigers; disinterest of some of the older ones; and the sexual agressivity of those who were caged and wanted to mate; were telltale signs of natural, undrugged behavior. But hey, I'm not a tiger expert so I could be wrong.

After spending half an hour with the adult tigers, we went to visit the juveniles.

These little (comparatively speaking to their giant parents) guys were just as curious and playful as kittens. The trainers would tease them and get them to jump for our amusement. Once again we got to spend quite some time with these beautiful animals.

Later that evening we went to Riverside Bar and Restaurant to celebrate Amina's birthday with some good food and some Thai whiskey.

The following day, the four of us were slated to ride Asian elephants with Eddy Chiang Mai Elephant Care (www.chiangmaielephantcare.com).

Amina wasn't feeling very well that morning and decided she would go see a doctor instead. I selfishly decided to go ride elephants rather than accompany her to the doctor's.

I know. I'm a dick.

Elena, Remi and I were driven to a market where we had to buy bananas and sugar cane for our elephants.

From there, we were driven a few hours into the countryside to Eddy's. Once there, we changed into matching purple outfits and were taught how to ride them and the basics of the language of the elephants developed by several generations of Thai elephant trainers. Some examples were:

- Hu Hu! (Go forward)
- How! (Stop)
- Melong (Sit down)

Elena seemed to be a natural: yelling commands and riding around like a female Hannibal of Carthage might have.

I, not being too keen or comfortable with animals to begin with, chose one of the smallest elephants to train on because if they hated me and through me off, I would have the least distance to fall.

I somehow managed to survive the training, but as luck would have it, I jumped off the elephant and I landed on a piece of metal and cut my toe open. Only me.

After having lunch and disinfecting the wound, we commenced our jungle trek.

Elena was at the helm of the elephant while Remi appeared to cling on for dear life on its back.

I rode on the neck of mine, just behind the ears and had a guide on its back.
Even though it may have been more badass to command an Asian elephant myself, I'm not too proud to admit that I was happy to have an actual guide do his thing.

Out of all the animals I've ridden (horse, donkey and camel), I have to say that an elephant was the most comfortable.

We had chosen our company based on the fact that they didn't use saddles or carriages, which apparently hurts the elephant, so it was nice to be in direct contact with such a gentle giant.

After our trek through the bush, our elephants walked down a small river and as soon as the guides helped everyone down, the elephants started to spray themselves and everyone around them, tourists included.

We were then given brushes so we could scrub them down and thank them for the great experience.

It was an amazing experience, especially on Christmas day, I just wish Amina would have been there to enjoy it with me.

Once we returned, Elena treated Amina to a luxurious spa treatment as a birthday gift. After the ladies got back, the four of us had a delicious northern Thai meal at Heuan Phen restaurant.

The rest of the evening was spent at a reggae bar and then playing drinking games at our lovely hostel, Gong Kaew Huen Kum (www.gongkaewchiangmai.com).

Although Amina and I had only been in Chiang Mai one-and-a-half days, it was already time for us to return to Bangkok to meet up with Yemina and Josh, to head to Koh Pha-Ngan for December's Full Moon Party: arguably the biggest and best of the entire year.

After yet another tediously long train ride, Amina and I made it back to Bangkok in time to meet up with Josh and Yemina at Sirocco Sky Bar for some astounding 360-degree views of this bustling, chaotic city and some astronomically expensive cocktails. This rooftop bar is the same one featured in the Hangover 2 and if you've seen the movie, the view is absolutely spectacular.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

Full moon round 2? How could we say no?

James and Amina's Fantastic Bangkok Tourism Bonanza

Dec 19th-23rd

My time in Koh Tao had expired and it was time to return to Bangkok to welcome my girlfriend-at-the-time, Amina, to Thailand.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

I had booked a decrepit night-boat to Chumpon which arrived at 4:30 am. From there I took a series of minibuses which eventually dropped me off at Bangkok's distant southern bus station.

I shared a taxi with a girl from France to the Silom district where Amina and I would be staying.

Josh would be staying in Koh Tao an extra night and would meet up with us the following day.

I checked into the lovely Sunflower Place and would head to the airport to greet Amina the following day.

I hadn't seen her since my departure in July and to say I was excited to see her would be an understatement.

When we did finally find each other at the airport, it was like we'd never been apart. We hailed a cab to central Bangkok. She couldn't get over how much Bangkok reminded her of her adolescence when she lived in Jakarta and Kuala Lumpur.

Without wasting much time, we headed to Wat Phra Kaew and the Grand Palace. Even though I had already been there with Bryan and Rich, I think I was still more excited to revisit the beautiful architecture and spiritual marvels than Amina!

I spent even more time admiring these beautiful structures and in the company of Amina, I could not have been happier.

After our afternoon at the palace and temple, we visited Wat Pho: another temple housing an immense reclining Buddha.

This impressive yet lethargic Buddha measures 46m in length and 15m in height and is covered in gold leaf. Even his feet are inlayed with mother-of-pearl ornamentation.

Upon our return to Silom, Josh had already arrived in Bangkok, and the three of us went out for dinner and headed to our favorite stomping ground: Khao San Road!

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

After too many buckets and shisha with Kumar and company; and trying to beat a dick-bag Asian pool shark; we called it a night, but not before Amina was forced to buy an embarrassing bracelet reading "Lick my Discharge".

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

Good times!

The following day, we visited the MBK center for lunch. MBK is essentially a mall on steroids, selling a ridiculously large variety of everything, ranging from luxury items to blatant knockoffs.

Not only are there department stores, but innumerable, hastily put-together shops selling everything and anything imaginable. The t-shirt/singlet section is particularly hilarious with graphics ranging from famous rappers to Hitler lying naked on a beach.

The piece de la resistance, however, is MBK's food court, comprising hundreds of mouthwatering options at extremely low prices.

That evening we decided to change things up and went to Soi Cowboy instead of the usual Khao San road.

Soi Cowboy is another heavily neon-lit street encompassing countless Gogo bars, hundreds of Thai women and ladyboys trying to get you into their clubs, bars and panties; with an equally large contingent of white guys hoping to get lucky with their charm or more likely with their wallets.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

We settled on one place that looked the least like a brothel and had a decent pool table. Amina and Josh kept trash-talking as to who was the better pool player, but regardless who won, the other blamed the cue, the table or any other conceivable factor that was apparently out of their control.

The following day I had decided to do a walking tour around Bangkok suggested by Lonely Planet. I figured it would be a great way to see the city and would be good exercise to counteract all the partying. Obviously Josh didn't want to go, so I would get to drag Amina along.

Our first stop was Wat Arun, whose 82m prang (Khmer-style tower) started in the early 19th century by Rama II, proved to be incredibly impressive.

The floral mosaics covering much of this beautiful structure were made from discarded porcelain from Chinese ships.

Amina and I took our time climbing up this wonderful shrine and admiring the panoramic views from the top.

We then crossed the Mae Nam Chao Phraya and made our way to Trok Tha Wang: a narrow alleyway neighborhood of Bangkok seemingly floating on the banks of the river.

From there it was only a few minutes walk to the amulet market where vendors sell bizarre religious nick-knacks and highly valued amulets.

After this point, the sights really diminished in appeal and interest. We first had to traverse Bangkok's royal field or Sanam Luang, which then led us to the unimpressive and inaccurately described Thai "Champs Élysées" or Th Ratchadamnoen Klang. It resembled pretty much any other major Bangkok roadway.

We then passed both the October 14 memorial and Democracy Monument, but both left much to be desired.

We should have stopped there, but we ended up walking for another few hours before finally reaching our starting point.

We did, however, finish the second craptastic part of our walking tour at a relatively nice temple that I wasn't able to find the name of, but we were both quite pleased it was over.

That night we returned to Khao San and were joined by Josh, and Amina's best friend from her time at the University of British Columbia, Elena, who was visiting Thailand for a few weeks with her boyfriend Remi.

(Photo Credit: Amina Qureshi)

After some copious drinking there, we went back to Soi cowboy to continue the party and determine pool superiority between Amina and Josh.

The next day it was already time to bid adieu to Bangkok. Josh would be prolonging his stay to welcome his friend Yemina to Thailand, and Amina and I would be heading north to Chiang Mai to visit the cultural capital of Thailand, have some animal encounters and to party it up for Amina's birthday with Elena and Remi.

Happy Holidays coming up!

Thailand: I Gave Them Everything!

Nov 22nd-Nov 27th

I caught a local shuttle bus to Kunming's airport. The prospect of taking a two-hour flight rather than a marathon train ride was pretty exciting.

My original plan had been to exit China by land and continue on to South East Asia, but seeing as though my friends Bryan and Richard were arriving in Bangkok and spending 3 weeks in Thailand, I couldn't resist meeting up with them.

As soon as I arrived at Suvarnabhumi International Airport, the culture shock was immediate: I was so used to seeing slender, homogeneous, cookie-cutter Chinese, that when I saw the rainbow of nationalities and hundreds of white people, it was quite foreign to me.

I caught the airport express and then the skytrain to the Silom district of Bangkok where Josh, Bryan and Richard were staying. The train ride revealed just how attractive Thai people were: thin, dark-skinned and always smiling. A definite contrast to China's pale, flat-faced, featureless population.

As I was turning the corner towards our hostel, WE Bangkok (www.we-bangkok.com), I saw Bryan and Rich walking towards me!

We bear hugged and they told me about their ridiculously drawn-out flight, wrought with delays, added stop-overs and an unforeseen night in Tokyo. They had actually arrived a day later than expected.

I've known Bryan almost my whole life: we were neighbours growing up in Pierrefonds. He's one of my best friends, former band-mate and my photography mentor.

I worked with Bryan and then later with Richard at Royal Montreal Golf Course for several years and that's how I know Rich. They were headed to Glow, their swanky, nearby hotel and we would meet up later that evening.

I approached the hostel and saw Josh sitting in front of the hostel chatting with Alexa, an American girl from California who was fortunately born in Canada.

Josh, Alexa and I went to Bryan and Rich's hotel for some pre-drinking before heading out to the infamous Khao San road.

Although most of Bangkok is touristy (white people everywhere), Khao San road is even more so, but in a good way. This small street is lined with a ton of both proper and makeshift bars selling cheap beer, buckets of Thai whiskey and shisha.

Add shops selling hilarious or stupid t-shirts and singlets; food stalls and touts for sexy lady massages (aka prostitutes) or regular massages-- and you only have a taste of what Khao San has to offer. The blasting music of competing bars was music to my ears.

After walking around for a while, we settled on a place just in front of the McDonalds because we had bargained a good price on buckets and shisha.

Within a few hours we were all basking in the spirit of Khao San (aka drunk). Even though Sang Som (Thai whiskey) is really sweet and pretty disgusting, it still does the trick. By the end of the night we had all purchased novelty bracelets such as 'I am lady boy' (mine), 'Up bum no baby' (Josh), 'I love dick salad' (Rich) and 'Love you long time' (Alexa). We also somehow playfully angered a little girl selling flowers who then started a hilarious feud with Josh.

To cap the evening, Josh even ate a scorpion!



I also took quite a shining to our waiter, Kumar, an 18-year old from Burma, who was a shisha wizard and a really good kid (I made sure to tell him numerous times during our stay in Bangkok).

The following day Bryan, Rich and I went to Wat Phra Kaew and the Grand Palace. We took a delightful ride on the Chao Phraya Express: a public boat taxi taking you to all the sites along Bangkok's main waterway, Mae Nam Chao Phraya.

It took us a while to actually find the entrance to the beautiful complex, but when we did it was well worth it.

The temple of the emerald Buddha or Wat Phra Kaew, while being Bangkok's most popular tourist destination is also the holiest site in Thai Buddhism due to the presence of the aforementioned emerald Buddha contained inside.

Construction started in 1782 during the reign of Rama I. After having seen so many temples in China, I didn't have any expectations, but I was pleasantly blown away.

The temple is one of the most colourful, ornate, and intricate buildings I have ever seen.

The detailed mosaics, interesting yakshas, nagas, human-bird hybrids and shimmering stupas are sights to behold.

Despite being forced to wear pants for modesty reasons in the sweltering heat and humidity, we still spent several hours exploring and taking pictures of this beautiful building.

From there we visited the Grand Palace, the former residence of the Thai monarchy. An opulent building conceptualized by British architects in 1882, now houses an antique gun collection and is flanked by bodhi trees and elephant statues.

After visiting this royal and holy splendor, we returned to WE and had our first 7-eleven beers of the day.

That evening we wanted to check out a professional Muay Thai (Thai boxing) match after a tremendous fried chicken feast at Kai Thort Jay Kee.

Unfortunately the tickets were quite expensive so we just opted to go to Khao San road again to visit Kumar and company.

The night culminated with Josh and Rich arguing on my behalf with a bouncer I had apparently given all my money to and who had kicked me in the stomach, or at least that's what I said.

The more likely story is that I in fact did not give him any money whatsoever and walked into a chair incurring my stomach tenderness.

I kept saying "I gave him everything", when I gave him nothing at all.

I'm an idiot.

The next two days were spent nursing our Khao San-induced hangovers during the day in front of the hostel, cracking open our first 7-eleven Chang beers in the late afternoon and then heading back to Khao San for some more partying.

Living the life indeed!

After the perpetual party that is the BKK, it was time to move south . We were going to Koh Samui for a few beach days before heading to Koh Pha-Ngan, home to the original and debaucherous full moon party.

Josh and I took a night train to Surat Thani, then caught a ferry to Koh Samui. Bryan and Rich would be flying directly to Samui and meeting us there.

Once there, we checked into the fanciest hostel I have ever seen called ibed (www.ibedsamui.com).

As luck would have it, we seemed to have arrived in Thailand at the end of the monsoon season and it rained like crazy for most of the day. I didn't even visit Lamai beach during our two days on the island!

Lamai beach is Koh Samui's second most popular beach, known for its golden sand, relaxing atmosphere and penis-shaped rock (sorry no pictures!)

With the rain not being conducive to beach life, we spent our days avoiding shrill-voiced women and lady-boys shouting massage at us.

Koh Samui, more than other places I visited in Thailand other than Bangkok, has huge amounts of white men parading around with a Thai woman or lady boy.

The lady boys range from regular, slightly hairy, blatantly obvious cross-dressers; to post-op, confusingly attractive women.

I gotta say, Thailand has great plastic surgeons!

While in Lamai, we frequented a nearby pool bar where we really couldn't figure out if our attractive hostess, Enjoy, had formerly been a man.

Her pool skills and connect-4 prowess made us have our doubts, but I'm still not 100% which chromosomes she has.

After 2 short rainy days it was already time to move on to another island. It was the full moon the following night and we were headed to Koh Pha-Ngan for some partying that only the original home of the full moon party could provide.

Bring it on!